


she's a silver lining

by julesvaughn



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: F/F, like a lot, rue loves jules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:27:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23227054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julesvaughn/pseuds/julesvaughn
Summary: a study of jules vaughn, by rue bennett.
Relationships: Rue Bennett/Jules Vaughn
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	she's a silver lining

somehow, i felt like i’d never truly know jules, no matter how much of a rhythm the two of us could keep up together, no matter how easy everything flowed with us, no matter how easy it was to talk to her and use her as my safe space. no matter how many stories she told me, no matter how many of her deepest, darkest thoughts that had never been released into space ever she shared with me, no matter how many different endearing ways she pressed her body into me, there was a part of her that i’d never know. i couldn’t tell how much this frustrated me or not, mostly because i could never really be frustrated with her, not for long at least. if i was ever angry towards her, i was the first to apologize, because i wanted her back in, i couldn’t survive without her. i needed her to fill some deep part of me, but could i even let her do that without knowing all of her parts? something was hidden, whether it was past, present, future, or all around us, happening all at once and never ending, there was something inside her that i would never know.

to fill this void in my knowledge of her, i memorized everything about her i could, taking every detail and storing it in my brain in a folder marked “jules”, a folder i went to when nothing else in the world could bring me any emotion or sense of self. apathy’s a strange thing, isn’t it? with jules in my life, there were finally emotions to feel, there were finally things that i cared about, there was meaning to my life and maybe she was that meaning and maybe she helped me find that meaning but it was there nonetheless, and clinging to her could only help my apathy disappear, it could only make me feel again, and i needed that desperately. i needed to feel love for her and sadness for her past and curiosity about what went on inside her, deep inside her i mean. 

i managed to memorize everything i possibly could about her body as well, every freckle and mark and curve of her skin went into my brain and drew itself there, stamped on the hippocampus and engraved in my mind’s eye. i could tell you the number of freckles on her right arm alone, and i clung to this to tell myself that i knew her better than anyone. but really, i didn’t, because jules was the only person who knew herself fully, so maybe i knew more than everyone else but her.

i was reaching for something more, of course. as usual. nothing new. here i was again, looking for something that may not even exist, looking for a part of a whole different person when i didn’t even fully understand all parts of myself. in a small way, that made sense. i cared about jules more than i cared about myself, i think. it wasn’t hard to do this, seeing as i’d given up on myself a long time ago and had already begun to care about everyone in my life more than i cared about myself, and jules was not hard to add onto that list.

i felt that she knew me fully, and maybe at times it seemed like she didn’t, but she really did know me better than most people, or at least she knew parts of me better than most people, and that mattered for something, did it not? maybe i was the part of her i never knew, and as i spent more time with her, i began to see that the part of her that was missing from my knowledge of her was something that was missing from her. it was the knowledge of romance, something she never could have learned from her cheap hookups with older men. she knew this now, with me, and as i spent more time with us, reflecting in our love, i could tell that this knowledge was not something she was used to having. i think i filled that part of her, and i think i didn’t know it because it didn’t exist yet, i think she was waiting for me, or at least for some kind of romance, to fill the space inside of her.

sometimes, when my veins are lit with substances and i feel like i may never come down from a high, like it’ll be the high that finally ends my life, i wish more than anything that i could be on jules’ bike, riding into an endless sunset with my head pressed into her strawberry milk aura. this fantasy occurs to me sometimes during the middle of the day, sometimes when she’s bent over me attaching plastic sticky stars to my face, sometimes when i’m yelling at fez and would do anything in the world to be able to stop myself from yelling at him. it pops out of nowhere and won’t leave my head, and maybe someday it’ll be enough to pull me out of my own spiral.

i keep believing that somehow, she'll save me. she won't, and she can't. she can always make things easier though, and maybe that's enough for now.

**Author's Note:**

> this is short and probably not very good but it was fun to write and I loved exploring rue's feelings for jules. leave a comment & kudos if you want <3
> 
> title is from R U Mine? by the Arctic Monkeys and i feel like a lot of their songs fit rue and jules' relationship


End file.
